


Mending the Disconnect

by CJSpooks



Category: Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: LiveJournal, M/M, tgs, topgearslash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-06
Updated: 2011-02-06
Packaged: 2017-10-28 19:28:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/311394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CJSpooks/pseuds/CJSpooks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James goes through a trauma and Jeremy is there to put him back together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mending the Disconnect

**Author's Note:**

> And now I bring you something completely different…well, it’s not completely different. It’s just different.  
> Not sure what specific event sets off this disconnection in James’ mind…or where this came from inside my own. The narrative is a bit odd, since it is James’ confused point of view and there are glimpses inside his mind as it mends itself, so hopefully the style isn’t off-putting. It’s probably really weird. Sorry about that.

At first the shock had clouded all his senses. He wanted to be everywhere with everyone all at once and then he wanted to be nowhere with no one. He couldn’t do either since he couldn’t move. He saw flashing lights, people pushing past. Then individuals with concern all over their faces were trying to talk to—more like at—him. It was hopeless. He wouldn’t—couldn’t—do anything.

“James?”

He recognized the voice. It was usually booming and full of enthusiasm. Right now it was filled with sympathy and tentative fear. He blinked and tried to say something. Then all he did was try to hide his eyes with his hand because he felt tears were coming. He knew he usually did not cry.

“I’m going to hug you now.”

Why was he telling him? Usually the man was so open to touching and giving comfort. Was he broken, damaged goods somehow now? Did this change every—Oh. Warmth. It was the first real thing he’d felt since…and it was a nice sensation. He wanted to stay like this for a while, swim in its complexities and let all thought go.

His mind formed the name: Jeremy. Jeremy Clarkson. Jeremy. Yes.

He closed his eyes and leaned into Jeremy. His senses were aching to reconnect themselves to the world. It was going to take a while. He distantly heard something like words and humming coming from far away, but he was sure it was coming from Jeremy. Talking and singing silly songs to lead him back. He thought it might work. But it was too soon to find out.

Jeremy was apparently speaking. “…so sorry. After this, I can’t—won’t—let you be alone. I’ll uh, stay…”

He caught bits of that. But it didn’t matter. Jeremy was staying with him. With him.  
Jeremy and James. James and Jeremy. Stay. Stay. Stay.

*

Was this something?

“I…”

*

“Come back, Slow,” Jeremy whispered to James as he slept. “I need you to come back.”

In one ear, to echo around James’ inner (normal) self that sits alone shivering, out the other ear.

*

Some time has passed, a few hours, maybe a day. He’s curled up on the bed, having kicked off the tangled sheets from his legs. Footsteps. He knows who it is. Oh. Warmth. He still shivered, though. He still kept his eyes tightly shut. He started to mumble bits of forgotten prayers. This probably scares Jeremy, since he has never shown this much emotion before. He was always so controlled. He was.

He felt himself sobbing into Jeremy’s shirt, feeling embarrassed all of a sudden that he was soaking the fabric. He took a gasping breath from his mouth and then breathed in through his nose something wonderful: Jeremy, the perfect calibration of smoke, sweat, and soap. He felt comforted. As comforted as he could, considering.

“James, I’m here. What do you need? Um, I’ll get you a blanket and a book. I can also try to make a soup. It’ll be from a can, but soup’s good, right?”

The man was trying. He wanted to smile, but his mouth wouldn’t even twitch. He felt bad about this. Typically, Jeremy looked for either good or bad reaction, so he could adjust his behavior accordingly. He wasn’t reacting so Jeremy was forced to improvise. With such a delicate situation, that could prove extremely difficult. He knew he was being extremely difficult. He felt terrible about it, but could not show it. This added to the hurt his inner self struggled with.

*

He’s floating while pieces inside his mind mended themselves together. He heard familiar voices mingling so far away.

“How is he?” It was Hammond. Good mate, Hammond was. Big eyes, cheeky grin, silly laugh, Hammond had. Hammond sounded concerned.

“It’s hard to say. But I’m looking after him.”

“Do you need any help? I could—“

“Don’t worry. You’re doing what you can by visiting, Hamster. I know James would appreciate it if he were aware.”

“I wish I could do more for him.”

“We both understand that you need to focus on your wife and girls above all else.”

“You have a family too, Jez.”

“They don’t need me like he does. I won’t give up on him like they all want me to.”

He never needed anyone like he needed Jeremy right now. Jeremy. Jeremy Clarkson. Loud and wonderful, Jeremy was.

*

“Come back, Slow.”

Wish I could… his inner self tried to reply. It was too much effort to try to work out how to get back to Jeremy. He wanted to make the effort, but no part of him was cooperating.

*

“Come back, Slow.”

Damn. He wanted to make the effort. His inner self was waiting for more pieces to come back.

*

Here was a piece. This moment: “I…I love…”

*

“Come back, Slow.”

YES.

*  
“James! You’ve gotten out of bed.”

He nodded.

“Well done, mate. That’s something to be proud of. I’ll make you some celebratory tea.” Jeremy turned slightly.

Reaching a hand out, “Don’t leave me,” he whispered. He wanted to make the man understand.

Jeremy turned back. “I was just going to the kitchen. I’m sure you’d love a cuppa.”

He tried again, looking into the other man’s eyes and saying slowly, “Don’t leave me.”

He swore he could see the electrical impulses carry the meaning to the other man’s head. Jeremy got it. “I love you too much to do that.”

He was fascinated by the way the light from the window was hitting Jeremy. He looked more perfect than before. He’s a special bloke, he is. Yes.

While he stared, Jeremy closed the gap between them, engulfing him in a hug. Oh. Warmth.

*

He was no longer alone in his mind. Jeremy (or something quite like him) made his way through. But it wasn’t quite fixed yet. “I need you to come back,” this Jeremy said from across a road. The inner self still wanted to run in the opposite direction.

*

Then something formed in his mind: “I…I love you.”

*

Eventually Jeremy got him to sit in the kitchen while he put the kettle on and did a quick fry up so they could both eat. Then they moved to the sitting room where Jeremy tried to install him on the couch to rest alone, but James insisted they stayed together. Jeremy relented, positioning himself next to James with an arm around him under some warm blankets.

He wanted to say thank you for all of Jeremy’s attention, but again, those words could not find the way out. All his preoccupations littered the surface of his mind as debris from a shipwreck. And his inner self was suddenly grabbing onto all the pieces, hoping not to drown again. Jeremy, his mind’s version previously seen on the other side of a road, was now sitting in a lifeboat upon the water, letting a lifesaver bob on the surface close to him, setting it up as a goal.

His inner self was still afraid to let go of the debris and make the swim, no matter how short the distance it was to the lifesaver.

*

“Do you want to talk about it?” Jeremy asked one night, with his arm wrapped around him in bed.

“What part?”

“Any part. I think you should try to work it out…verbalize what you’re experiencing.”

“I’m trying to do just that, just in my head.”

“I know. I can see you struggling there, May. If you tell me something I can help you.”

“You…you’ve helped enough. I…I don’t—“

“You’ve not broken, not even a little crack.”

“How do you know? It feels like there are pieces everywhere I turn.”

“Well, I know because I do. You’ve got a brilliant brain full of knowledge and wit. It’s always working. Not much can gunk up the works in there. This situation doesn’t change anything. You got rattled, just.”

“I know I’m rattled. Mental May, a broken man with bits loose.”

“Not mental, you stupid man, everything’s all there. Jumble of parts, is all. You’re still the same.”

Was he lying? Could Jeremy really know? How did he know? He shivered. “I’m not sure about anything.”

“James…” Jeremy said quietly.

He turned onto his other side so that they were facing. “Reassure me.”

Jeremy took this as permission. He ran his hand up James’ side until he cupped his cheek. They stared into each other’s eyes for a moment. James knew this was important, whatever happened next. Jeremy brought their lips together in a slow kiss. He opened his mouth to let Jeremy’s tongue inside.

Oh. Lightning.

Their bodies moved together in complimentary movements, remembering their old dance. James let instinct take over as he moved his hands all over Jeremy, wanting to feel his skin. Jeremy, though afraid of hurting James, could sense how important this moment was and followed his lead. He made efficient work of stripping them both, preparing and then entering him.

James’ inner self made a leap for the lifesaver.

James’ eyes snapped open, finding Jeremy pressed up against him, thrusting.

Oh. Lightning.

Oh. Warmth.

Oh.

Oh.

*

He remembered:

They were sitting in the pub after filming, having a laugh. A comfortable silence fell between them, but somehow it was different. He realized his palms were sweaty, but that didn’t matter. He had to finally tell him. “I…I love you,” he said.

Jeremy looked up from his pint and, as always, played the fool. “What?”

He leaned forward. “You heard me, Jezza.”

“Give over,” Jeremy replied, knowing it wasn’t a joke.

His lips quirked into a smile, waiting.

He didn’t wait long. Jeremy wasn’t the type to keep his feelings secret. He wrapped an arm around him tightly. “Fucking hell James, I love you too.”

Oh. Warmth.

Oh. Lightning.

YES.

*  
They both came, gasping.

He closed his eyes and sighed as his arms found Jeremy again in the darkness. Breathing in the familiar scent of smoke, sweat, and soap, he started to believe he would eventually be mended with this man by his side.

“Alright?” Jeremy asked the next morning.

“I came back for you,” he replied.

*

Inside his mind:

James sat in the lifeboat, soaking wet, clinging to the lifesaver he had finally grabbed onto. Jeremy smiled at him.


End file.
